The Oscar Conspiracy Theory

The following is a transmission that was intercepted by this blog. It was written by an anonymous Oscar Conspiracy theorist who's location is unknown. It was dated October 22nd 2008.

When I was young I thought the Oscars were the be all and end all of what makes a good movie, then I think it was about the time "Gladiator" won best picture, I sensed something was fishy. Could it be that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is a sham? Is it just some glitz and glamour awards show put on every year for our entertainment? Just to be fare I saw "Gladiator" again to make sure I wasn't accusing them of any wrong doing, but it was no use, I was right the first time, "Gladiator" was a bad film. Everything from Julia Roberts crying her eyes out to Billy Crystal supplying endless Jack Palance jokes, was all for our entertainment, they weren't congratulating excellence at all.

Suddenly all the little pieces made sense, "Taxi Driver", "Network", "All the President's Men" all losing to "Rocky"? I should've known back then. Deep in my heart I knew they were all better movies, but I guess I was just so swept up by Rocky's Cinderella story of coming from the streets and going the distance with Apollo Creed it didn't even matter. I didn't even see the Academy's vultures of schmaltz circling my house. I thought I saw them years later when "Forrest Gump" beat "Pulp Fiction", but it seemed so real, I mean Tom Hanks really looked like he was talking to John F. Kennedy, and "Pulp Fiction" had all that sodomy in it right? Right?

But something still didn't seem right, I needed more proof, maybe the Academy wasn't perfect, but it couldn't carry an 80 year legacy on lies. "Rocky", and "Forrest Gump" might've just been clerical errors, recounts weren't as common back then. Someone might've just lost a ballot or two, I needed more evidence.

I went through it by categories, Best Picture, Best Actress, Best Actor, Best Director. Some made sense like Diane Keaton winning for "Annie Hall"or Marlon Brando winning for "The Godfather". But somethings didn't add up, like Katherine Hepburn winning for "Guess who's Coming to Dinner" or Al Pacino winning for "Scent of a Woman". These were great actors in sub-par material. I began writing the words "Oscar" and "Sub-par" in my computer to see what would come up, and like a google tidal wave, the truth was revealed. "The English Patient", "Rain Man", "Chicago", "My Cousin Vinny", Ron Howard....it was true it was all true. I looked for anyone who might clear the Academy's tainted name: Stanley Kubrick, Robert Altman, Cary Grant, but it was no use, and then D-Day came when I looked up the year 1941. "And the Oscar goes to How Green was my Valley." The snubbing of "Citizen Kane" was all the proof I needed.

Years have past since I found out the ugly truth behind the Academy Awards. I've been watching the awards show with a watchful eye. The Academy has been getting craftier through the years. Even the misdirection of having Francis Ford Coppola, Steven Spielberg, and George Lucas present the Best Director Oscar to Martin Scorsese didn't work on me, (although I admit, I did choke up a bit). It didn't hide the fact that he had to wait until movie star directors Robert Redford, Kevin Costner, and Clint Eastwood all got theirs first. I'm on to you Academy, don't think that just by honoring the Coen Brothers, it's going to keep me off your trail.

To all people who wish to fight the resistance. The Academy cannot read this portion as it is encrypted in a special anti-Academy bold font. Below is a list of films which I fear will be left off the ballots this year if the Academy has their way. You can all help in your own small way by going to your local video store or your local art houses and viewing these films and telling all your friends about them. If you have more to add please let me know. Viva La Resistance!!

In Bruges
My Winnipeg
Frozen River
The Visitor
The Fall